July 21, 2000 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE
bigtips
How can I get people to call me by my new name?
by M.T. "the Big Tipper” Martone
My gal and I were in a completely nondescript café. There was coffee. There were tables. We were sitting in chairs. We had arrived, just on time, to meet Sperm Donor Candidate Number 3. He wasn't there yet, so we had a minute to brief ourselves on what we were going to ask.
The romance of this process was gone. We had really fallen for our first possible donor, but his lack of safe sex cred had dashed our illusion that these guys would be universally conscious of our health and safety. We had felt hopefully attached to Number 2, but his quick escalation of interest in future custody of the child scared the bejesus out of us, and we cut him loose. Now we were as jaded as two women who have never actually had sex with a man could be, and it had become all about cutting to the chase.
A tall man ambled over to our table, and established that he was, indeed, Winston. He had rockabilly hair. He ordered ́an americano. We all looked at each other.
"I know this is kind of weird, but thanks
so much for agreeing to talk to us."
He said he wasn't quite sure if he could do it, but he was interested and wanted to talk to us about it, then think about it.
As he entailed the minutia of his family's health history, I cased him as a specimen. He was tall (check), and had an interesting face. He was musical, and although he was no academic, he was obviously smart, and seemed pretty thoughtful. At one point he rose and headed off to get a spoon, and I confirmed that he had a nice ass, which wasn't a requirement, but it's never bad to throw a little more of that into the gene pool.
He was saying the right things: He was HIV negative and hadn't had sex in over nine months. He had a flexible schedule and good availability, and had no interest in having a child. He was willing to negotiate being known to the child when it was older. He didn't seem like a big nut. Case closed. We rose, and he said we could call in about
a week after he'd had time to think.
The girl and I buckled into our car, and rode for a few minutes in silence.
"He seems like a nice guy." "Yeah."
More silence. I felt flat. I wanted to be excited about him. But excitement led to investment, which led to expectations, which had led to trouble the last two times. I guess we'd see what he said when we called.
As the week passed, I found myself swinging between wanting to use him, because this was just a tiny piece of the whole experience of having and raising a child, and the thought that it was wrong to use someone just because he wasn't inadequate. I wanted our children to be the products of intent and affection from the very start.
When we called him, he said he needed more time. We did, too. As weeks passed, the indecision became the decision. It wasn't the right time for him, or the right situation for us.
That was when we decided that enough was enough with the budget plan. We went back to our "Baby Resources" folder, and dug out the catalogs for sperm banks that we'd sent for months earlier. It was time for Phase Two.
Dear Big Tipper,
After considering it for a long time, I recently changed my name to reflect my personal values and to distance myself from my biological family. I thought that people would be supportive of this, but I'm having a very hard time getting them to call me by my new name.
People just use my old name, and then say that I know who they meant, and that it's too hard to remember.
Even the ones who try usually say my old name first. I feel very disrespected, and angry at a time when I feel I should be blossoming into my new identity and feeling open to what's new. Instead I feel shut down and not heard. How can I get people to respect my choice and to use my new name?
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Dear A Rose is a Rose is a Hydrangea,
Honey, it takes people a while to get used to a name change. Once, my mom wrote her maiden name on a check when she'd been a Martone for 15 years. I bet even you still call yourself by your old name in your head sometimes.
o
BIG TIPS
Unless people are being actively rude, don't be so quick to judge them. And make sure that everybody actually knows that you've changed your name. But do correct them every time they write the wrong name, and feel free not to "hear them" if they call
you by the old
name. Not answering does a pretty quick job of retraining any-
one who really wants your attention! Dear Big Tipper,
It's Sunday morning and I'm e-mailing you because I am so pissed off, and I have to send this before I cool down.
I have a friend named “Bill.” Bill and I go out dancing every weekend. He drives to the bar since I don't have a car, and I pay for us to get in, so it's fair. Well, almost every week, he gets hot 'n' heavy with some guy on
the dance floor, and either wants to leave without me, or just does!
Last night he slapped me on the back as I was talking to some friends at the bar, and said you can catch a ride with one of those guys, can't you? And then he was gone!
Well, I couldn't catch a ride, because none of them live anywhere near me. I ended up asking a friend if I could stay on his couch, which was really embarrassing, because he brought someone home from the bar, too. I want to kill my ride!
Taking the Long Way Home
Dear Uneasy Rider,
Honey, people go to bars to get laid. And that's what your friend is doing.
You need to keep your expectations at a reasonable level, and he's proven himself to be an undependable ride.
He's got a good deal going, because he's driving there anyway, and he's getting in free thanks to you. Does anyone else live near you? Get a new ride to the bar. Borrow a car from a stay-at-home pal for Saturday night. Take a cab. Just stop paying for this guy to get in, unless you feel that's a fair trade for a one-way ride.
I also hear an undercurrent of anger that these people are getting some, and you're not. A thought: Keep your eyes peeled for a nice boy who lives walking distance from the bar. ✓
Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216631-1052, or e-mail to martone @drizzle.com.
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